A Letter to Myself

Let's talk anxiety. 
I have been having some strong feelings about my health and the decisions I am facing. Thus far, the only real permanent decision I have made regarding my body was the removal of three of my wisdom teeth. My port and my feeding tube are more or less reversible, scarring notwithstanding. These next decisions won't be. I find myself thinking about these choices over and over again. I wish they weren't so huge but I am immensely grateful to have access to the doctors and healthcare to be in the place to make these decisions. I found a letter I wrote myself last year. I was really struggling with how immense all of these illnesses felt, so letting it out productively really helped. Finding it again now was fortuitous. After reading it, I feel more confident in myself and my journey. Sometimes everyone needs a reminder. Today may not be a great day, but tomorrow is a new day to try again.
Please try again.
<3,
Madame McWeed

I know there's a lot of anxiety. Look, you're thirty. You've lived this long without any major catastrophes. How bad can the rest of it really be? I know there's a lot you wanted to do, and there is still absolutely time to make that difference you wanted to as a child. It's just gonna be different. Use this sorrow and disappointment to bathe your shattered soul in tears today, to wash away the bitterness and resentment. Remember, tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow use them to fuel you, to guide you. They remind you of whence you came, the battles you have fought and WON, the challenges you overcame that you swore you saw no way around. Those tears shed in sorrow should also be shed in victory, for you were forged in the fires of your own journey. Much burnt flesh and singed hair still awaits you. Do not be disheartened. Live despite the pain and fear. Let it bolster you. Others have lain their lives at the pain you face every day. Do not judge them. Live for their memories, so that you may one day live on in the memories of others. Live your truth, even if your voice shakes and your heart pounds. In the end, that's all that matters. Live and laugh and love and lose and win and all the mushed up struggles in between, because tomorrow is never promised. Be the best you can be every day, and remember that some days it's ok to just be. In the end you'll die, and that's always how it's meant to be. Live your life so death will be honored to accompany you home.  MM 09/05/17

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