#metoo
I was raised by rape apologists. I was raised in a home that taught me some girls are asking for it. I was taught that as long as I was careful, more modest, home early, that it was ok for me to be safe and for someone else to get raped, because they weren't as careful as I. I had my body policed for the comfort of the males around me. I was taught that my autonomy is secondary to the needs of the men in my life. I was told that if I dressed a certain way, that if I drank too much, that if I was in the "wrong" part of town, that if I was out "too late", my sexual assault was my fault. I knew violent, forcible rape was wrong, but it was insinuated that it was only wrong if the women did everything "right" to prevent it. I was shown that my needs as a girl and later as a woman were not as important as the needs of the boys and men around me. I was taught that men are rapists and women are victims. I was taught that the victim's behavior should be scrutinized and judged, that they should be blamed for the actions of their assaulter. For decades, I tried to be that perfect girl. I chose my clothes carefully, rarely went places I shouldn't, changed myself for the comfort of the men around me. I accepted assault after assault on my autonomy and assault after assault on my body, knowing both felt wrong, but not having the words or the tools to stand up for myself, to stop it. I counted myself lucky, though, because I had never been raped, been forcibly penetrated. I believed I was an exception, that I had done "all the right things", that I wasn't another statistic.
I worked at an automotive parts store in college. I was 18. My district manager was a violent, angry misogynist. My store manager didn't have a backbone. For over two years, I endured advance after advance from one of my shift managers. No. For over two years, I experienced sexual assault after sexual assault from one of my shift managers. He would regularly make an excuse to touch me, be too close to me, make sexual remarks at my expense. For over two years, I experienced sexual assault after sexual assault by customer after customer, but one man stands out. He needed to stand behind me and touch my shoulders EVERY SINGLE TIME he came to the store. He delighted in my discomfort. I tried to get it to stop, talked to management, but he was a VERY good customer, often purchasing product multiple times a week. He was one of our biggest commercial clients, and management prioritized his and their desires over my safety. After the resounding inaction, after they showed me I was worth less to them than the sale of an alternator, I stopped complaining and endured as long as I could. Every week I was sexually assaulted. Every week my store manager looked on and did nothing.
I was raised by rape apologists. I have decided that it is long past time to unlearn their damage. I have learned that all genders can be victims and perpetrators, but that female bodied folks are overwhelmingly the victims. I have learned that it is still dangerous to be female bodied, but not because of our actions. It is dangerous to be female bodied because we raise our men to believe that they are entitled to female bodies. It is dangerous because society says female bodied folks have to accept this violence. I have learned that doing "all the right things" means that someone who is a little less able to defend themselves will become the victim. I have learned that NO ONE DESERVES TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED. I have learned that how one dresses, how much one drinks or doesn't, where one goes or when one goes there should have absolutely no bearing on their culpability for the actions of others. I have learned that my autonomy and my needs are NOT worth less than the men around me. I have learned that a victim's behavior has no bearing on their attacker's actions. I have learned that I am a statistic, but I also know that does not diminish my experiences or my pain. I have learned that shame is powerful and that I will spend the rest of my life unlearning it. I have learned that I do not deserve to feel shame for the actions of others. I have learned that many of the female bodied folks I have admired for their strength and power have experienced the same pain and shame that I have. I have learned that my autonomy is important to me and that I will not go quietly back to prioritizing men's needs over my own. I have learned that I am not only a victim, but that I am a survivor. I have learned the words I needed to share my experience. I have learned that secrets are pain but sharing is power. Words are my sword and I intend to wield it to be the change I wish to see in this world. I am the child of the witches you couldn't burn. I will no longer accept the things I cannot change; I will change the things I can no longer accept.
I worked at an automotive parts store in college. I was 18. My district manager was a violent, angry misogynist. My store manager didn't have a backbone. For over two years, I endured advance after advance from one of my shift managers. No. For over two years, I experienced sexual assault after sexual assault from one of my shift managers. He would regularly make an excuse to touch me, be too close to me, make sexual remarks at my expense. For over two years, I experienced sexual assault after sexual assault by customer after customer, but one man stands out. He needed to stand behind me and touch my shoulders EVERY SINGLE TIME he came to the store. He delighted in my discomfort. I tried to get it to stop, talked to management, but he was a VERY good customer, often purchasing product multiple times a week. He was one of our biggest commercial clients, and management prioritized his and their desires over my safety. After the resounding inaction, after they showed me I was worth less to them than the sale of an alternator, I stopped complaining and endured as long as I could. Every week I was sexually assaulted. Every week my store manager looked on and did nothing.
I was raised by rape apologists. I have decided that it is long past time to unlearn their damage. I have learned that all genders can be victims and perpetrators, but that female bodied folks are overwhelmingly the victims. I have learned that it is still dangerous to be female bodied, but not because of our actions. It is dangerous to be female bodied because we raise our men to believe that they are entitled to female bodies. It is dangerous because society says female bodied folks have to accept this violence. I have learned that doing "all the right things" means that someone who is a little less able to defend themselves will become the victim. I have learned that NO ONE DESERVES TO BE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED. I have learned that how one dresses, how much one drinks or doesn't, where one goes or when one goes there should have absolutely no bearing on their culpability for the actions of others. I have learned that my autonomy and my needs are NOT worth less than the men around me. I have learned that a victim's behavior has no bearing on their attacker's actions. I have learned that I am a statistic, but I also know that does not diminish my experiences or my pain. I have learned that shame is powerful and that I will spend the rest of my life unlearning it. I have learned that I do not deserve to feel shame for the actions of others. I have learned that many of the female bodied folks I have admired for their strength and power have experienced the same pain and shame that I have. I have learned that my autonomy is important to me and that I will not go quietly back to prioritizing men's needs over my own. I have learned that I am not only a victim, but that I am a survivor. I have learned the words I needed to share my experience. I have learned that secrets are pain but sharing is power. Words are my sword and I intend to wield it to be the change I wish to see in this world. I am the child of the witches you couldn't burn. I will no longer accept the things I cannot change; I will change the things I can no longer accept.
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